Sorted! Tips to help you get more from work and life |
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| Summer 2006 | Feel fr*e to forward this, but please without cutting |
In the last edition of Sorted! I looked at how being attached to a particular outcome is like chasing butterflies. Instead I suggested that we focus our energy on managing what is within our control as far as we possibly can.
In this edition, I'm exploring how to manage those difficult conversations we all spend a lot of time avoiding.
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Have you got a couple of conversations you're avoiding? Don't they just weigh on you?
Sometimes you feel your life would be greatly improved if you had 'that conversation'... but you put it off because you are pretty sure it's going to be a 'difficult' one.
Let's look at it from another angle.
One of the main reasons that we avoid having a 'difficult conversation' is that we make enormous assumptions. We do this in all areas of our lives: with our work colleagues, boss, suppliers, close family members, bank manager, customers, builder ...
And we assume:
- She will react badly;
- 'It' is so obvious I don't need to say it;
- He is making me do this;
- My boss will be angry when I tell him;
- I can't tell him; he'll never understand;
- I know that's what she wants; I'll just get on with it.
I suggest you change the bold words and see what difference it makes to the statement. For example, she may react badly.
The dictionary defines an assumption as 'something that you accept as true without question or proof'. How many of the statements above contain assumptions that have not been tested? Probably most of them!
One common assumption we make is that 'we know what the reaction will be', closely followed by 'they will think less of me'.
Making assumptions is a costly mistake in our communication with others. It's costly in terms of stress, lost opportunities, misunderstandings, frosty/off-hand relationships, also in wasted time, energy, fear and frustration.
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
Henry Winkler
When we assume how someone will react, several things happen. If we're afraid of the reaction, then we're instantly giving away our power and control to that person, and we're no longer in charge; they are. If we procrastinate, we give ourselves time to escalate the expected reaction until it grows to monstrous proportions.
Making an assumption about how someone will react also means we have taken the choice about how they will respond away from them. We are avoiding something because we don't want to 'give bad news', and carrying not only our burden but their assumed 'burden' too. Exhausting! Also misguided. Often, when we do broach the subject, we find that we've got it all wrong and the assumption we'd made was entirely false. Result - lots of anguish and wasted energy.
By entering into a conversation 'knowing' the outcome, we start out at a disadvantage. Everything about our approach is set up for the expected response: our body language, words, and tone. So naturally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But be very, very careful of making assumptions. I have been quite hurt in the past because someone has made a completely wrong assumption about how I would react based on their own 'baggage' and previous life experiences. I felt that they should have given me a chance to make up my own mind!
If you're dealing with someone who has a history of 'bad reactions', don't let that stop you having the conversation. Is their standard reaction acceptable? Do they have a point? Are you believing and 'owning' their reaction? What would happen if you had the conversation but maintained your own boundary and didn't take on their baggage? It's okay for you to say what you need to say, and it's okay for them to react, and you don't have to 'buy-in' to that reaction.
'We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviours grow out of these assumptions.'
Stephen R Covey
You'll find some tips in Your starter for ten to use next time you face a difficult conversation.
However, if that difficult conversation still looms and keeps you awake at night, sometimes it's helpful to talk it through with someone who is not involved, who can throw some outside perspective on it, who can help you explore your own boundaries and build your confidence to the point that you feel in control. Give me a call on 01291 621 985 or email me at sue@sortedcoaching.co.uk.
- Notice what you are doing. Listen for language or behaviour that suggests an assumption has been made.
- Don't beat yourself up. Simply notice: 'Oh that's interesting I've made an assumption'.
- Now decide if it's true. What evidence do you have?
- Consider who has the control here? If you've given it away, is that what you want?
- What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
- What would someone you admire do?
- What is the worst thing that could happen?
- Move yourself forward to the future. Now you've had the conversation, what impact has it had on you?
- What will happen if I don't have the conversation?
- What do you need to believe to have the conversation?
Begin challenging your own assumptions.
Your assumptions are your windows on the world.
Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in.
Alan Alda
What topics would you like to see in the Autumn workshop programme from Sorted Coaching?
In the last year we've covered Time Management, Goal Setting, The art of saying no and Effective Communications at work. What challenges do you face in your business and personal life?
Please email me with your ideas. As a thank you I'm offering a complimentary workshop place(worth at least 75 pounds) to the first person who suggests a new topic that I use in the Autumn workshop programme.
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Contact Information
Sorted! is published by Sorted Coaching
T: 0845 638 1860
15 Wallwern Wood, Chepstow, Monmouthshire, NP16 5TX
Find out more at http://sortedcoaching.co.uk
At Sorted!, we help people develop personally so they get more from their lives and work.
©2006 Sorted Coaching