Sorted! Tips to help you get more from work and life |
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| March / April 2006 | Feel fr*e to forward this, but please without cutting |
How are you getting on eating your elephant? In the last edition of Sorted! I looked at how to achieve goals by breaking them down into bite-size pieces, enjoying the journey and savouring the fact that the only guaranteed moment we have to do anything is now.
In this edition, I'm going to explore how to reduce stress in your life and get better results by not being attached to the outcome.
Being attached to a particular outcome is like chasing butterflies.
The more you chase them, the faster they fly away.
Don't be attached to the outcome, what do I mean by this? After all, we all want good and successful outcomes.
Not being attached to the outcome is first and foremost an awareness of our approach to life. The key is to know the difference between what we can and can't control.
The fact is, when we are working and interacting with other people, we often reach a point where we no longer have control over what happens next.
For example, consider a business proposal to a new customer. Once the proposal is delivered, the decision is outside your control. You control what you put into the proposal, how compelling it is, what services you offer and at what price. However, the choice of supplier is now with the customer.
While we can influence, inspire, help, guide, threaten and challenge people, we can't control what they actually feel like doing. You will know this if you've ever tried making an uncooperative teenager tidy their bedroom, a toddler put on their shoes or a bank manager lend you money!
We can be knowledgeable, persuasive, perceptive, and do our very best. Clearly, the better we are at it, the more likely it is that we'll achieve the outcome we had in mind.
On the other hand, we can (and should) set boundaries and explain consequences. For example, 'I want you to clean your bedroom. If you don't, then I will reduce your monthly allowance by £5.' The teenager still has control, but the consequences and/or benefits are clear. Making a sound, well thought out business case for a loan greatly increases your chances of securing one, but can never guarantee it.
That said, the more attention we give to what we're doing right now, ensuring we have a clear focus about why we're doing it and what we want to achieve, the more chance we have of influencing a 'good' outcome.
Meanwhile any attempt to control things outside our control is exhausting and stressful and a waste of our precious energy and resources. It is all too easy to spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think, what we might have done wrong, should have done or could have done differently. These are examples of stressful and unhelpful behaviour.
By staying attached to the outcome we are also in danger of appearing desperate, controlling and needy - none of which are appealing qualities. Certainly, attempting to force outcomes is hard work and rarely works.
What's more, needing to have a high level of control over outcomes can also be perceived as arrogant. The 'do it my way' control-freak approach tells other people that 'my way is the best way'. How can you be sure?
Your colleagues, children, partner or friends may have another solution or an approach that suits them better. If the end result is the same, being attached to how they solve it can, once again, be a source of stress.
So consider very carefully what you believe you have control over. Do you really? For the things we do control, approach them with responsibility, care, dedication and enthusiasm.
Where we don't have control, relax, let go and be prepared for any outcome. This doesn't mean we can't have preferences and do what we can to make the most desirable outcome happen. It just means, do your part and then let go. Know that when your part is finished, it is up to others and outside influences to make things happen from there on.
If you throw away your attachment, you'll soon find beautiful and colourful butterflies coming into your life.
African hunters have a clever way of trapping monkeys. They slice a coconut in two, hollow it out, and in one half of the shell cut a hole just big enough for a monkey's hand to pass through. Then they place an orange in the other coconut half before fastening together the two halves of the coconut shell. Finally, they secure the coconut to a tree with a rope, retreat into the jungle, and wait.
Sooner or later, an unsuspecting monkey swings by, smells the delicious orange, and finds it inside the coconut. Then the monkey slips its hand through the small hole, grasps the orange, and tries to pull it out. Of course, the orange won't come out; it's too big for the hole. The persistent monkey pulls and pulls, never realizing the danger he is in.
While the monkey struggles with the orange, the hunters simply stroll in and capture it by throwing a net over him. As long as the monkey keeps his fist wrapped around the orange, it is trapped.
All the monkey had to do to save its own life was to let go of the orange. It rarely occurs to it that it can't have both the orange and its freedom.
Workshop - The art of saying no
Assertiveness skills at work
Would you like to understand why yes is the first word out of your mouth when you really mean no? This workshop will equip you with the tools and understanding to be able to say no, set your own boundaries and put your own priorities first. You will be able to recognise the value of positive language and understand what drives your fear and anxiety around saying no.
Date: Thursday 30th March, 9.30am - 12 noonPrice: £40
Venue: The Abbey Hotel, Tintern, Monmouthshire
This practical and fun workshop is guaranteed to get you thinking, acting and behaving differently.
Reserve your place by emailing sue@sortedcoaching.co.uk or call 0845 638 1860.
More information about workshops delivered by Sorted Coaching can be found on the website, Sorted Coaching Workshops
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
Hermann Hesse (1877-1962) German-born Swiss Novelist, Poet
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Contact Information
Sorted! is published by Sorted Coaching
T: 0845 638 1860
15 Wallwern Wood, Chepstow, Monmouthshire, NP16 5TX
Find out more at http://sortedcoaching.co.uk
At Sorted!, we help people develop personally so they get more from their lives and work.
©2006 Sorted Coaching